Little Black BackPack
by MeetMeInMontauk
Summary: Don't wanna talk about it. I say why not? I say there's got to be some good reason For your little black backpack. What happens when you can't hide anymore? When the four walls of your white room,cant hold your secrets any longer? Who do you turn too
1. Who am I anyway?

**

* * *

Chapter One: Who am I anyway?**

* * *

It would be a lie to say I have no clue, as to how I wound up here.

The truth kept me up at night, kept me tossing and turning, screaming and clawing at myself.

A needle is how I got to sleep at night, its the only way it could be done.

Restrained by four large men, as I stared up at the ceiling, as if the pattern's on the ceiling had changed at all since the night before.

I could name every spot of dust, or crack, on the ceiling without ever looking at it again.

The four walls, of my room closed in on me, as the liquid went running through my veins.

One last thought crossed my mind, the same thought that always crosses my mind, before sleep encloses around me...  
_  
Who am I anyway?_


	2. Don't wanna talk about it

* * *

_**Chapter Two: Don't wanna talk about it.**_

* * *

I woke up to the sun soaking into my skin, reminding me that I am _alive._

_"No need to remind me", I mumbled to myself._  
_  
"Hey Elsie, time for the bathroom", I said as I stuck my head out of my open door._

I guess it was breakfast time.

_"Be right there Mam", Elsie called back from the nurses station, which was in the middle of the room._

_"Beautiful day isn't it?", I lied._

_"Feeling rather cheery today Miss, aren't we?", she mused back.  
_  
_"I think its the pee running through my body", I said jokingly._

She escorted me down the hall to the bathroom, while she patted me down as usual, gave me a knowing smile, and stood outside of the stall, waiting for me.

I went to say something, but Ms Elsie stopped me.  
_  
"Now don't you go flip flapping your jaw now Miss, ain't polite to talk while going to the bathroom, now is it?", she said in her southern accent._

_"Who said anything about being polite? So whats on the agenda for the day?", I said as I started to pee._

She didn't say a word, leave it to her to ignore me until i finished peeing.

_"Really? All that? How are we going to fit all that into one day?", I joked back._

_"All that talking your doing, I oughta call Mr. Jade up here, to come deal with you", she joked back._

That was all I needed to shut me up.

_"Now now Miss, you know I ain't gonna do that to you. I just don't understand why Im one of the only people you'll say a word too. Got me confused honeypie", she assured me.  
_  
I was annoyed now, and my day was ruined.

I never said a word to anyone, but I had been living here for four years, and Elsie has been the only woman, or person who made me feel okay, since day one.  
_  
"You're mad at me now aren't you Miss?", she asked._

I left the bathroom stall, washed my heads, and headed out of the bathroom.

I followed procedure as usual, walked up to her, opened my mouth, and lifted my tongue to show her I didn't have anything in my mouth.

She patted me down one last time, as I stalked ahead of her and into my room.

_"Now listen Miss, I was only half kidding, you know I wouldn't call Mister Jade up here. Your one of the only people who don't give me no problems. The only thing Im saying is, it wouldn't hurt you to talk to anyone, now would it miss?", she said her voice full of concern._

_"What do you think got me here in the first place?", I spat back._

_I _slammed my door shut, and laid face first onto my bed, hiding under the covers.

_"This is why I never say a fucking word to anyone", I growled to myself._

_There was a knock on my door, "Go Away", I grumbled from under my pillow, thinking it was Ms Elsie._

_"Do you want breakfast?", the male nurse called from the other side.  
_  
I got up and opened my door to show him I was alive, but in no mood for food.

_"Suit yourself", he said as he made his way to the room next door._

I went and laid back into my bed, I was trying to fall back asleep, but the voices down the hall were keeping me up.

I was about to get up and shut my door, when I heard Ms Elsie talking about me to Ms Lillian.

_"Girl don't cause me no trouble, dont know why she's still here", Elsie told Lillian._

_"She dont say a damn word to anyone, hasn't said a damn thing to anyone, except you since day one. Girl cant function in society. Plus you know damn well know she's a threat to herself and society. She could turn on a second, and we'd be at fault for releasing a sick woman into the world. Got it?", said Miss Lillian._

Miss Lillian was head of the nurses, and I had never said a word to her, not even so much as a hi since day one, I think this made her extremely jealous of Elsie._  
_  
Elsie mumbled something under her breath about Lillian being the crazy one, but Miss Lillian was already on her way to the elevator.

It took all I had in me to not punch Ms Lillian in the back of the fucking head, but that would just prove her snotty little comment.._"She could turn on a second"._

Of course I could turn on a second, any one could, its called being human, but the reference that she was getting at, made me sick to my stomach.

It made me sink to the ground and curl up into a ball._  
_  
The flashback's started coming full force now, as I banged my head off the wall, to try and scream them away.  
_  
_"No! No! No!! No! Leave me alone! Stay away from me!", I screamed as my body went into convulsions.

It was trying to keep the day nightmare's away._  
_  
My head was smacking off the wall, as my body shook ferociously.

_"Baby I'll be right there!", I heard Ms Elsie yell._

_"Max, Andrew, Jude, Ryan! Go to her! Im grabbing the sedative.", she yelled to the male nurses._

By the time everyone got to me, my head was bleeding, as I layed in a ball, whimpering back and forth.

_"Please don't hurt me Ms Elsie", I begged._

The men moved closer to me, but Ms Elsie told them to back off.

_"Give the child some room", she said with anger._

She leaned down closer to me,_ "Now look baby, you know this is going to pinch, but it will make you feel better", she tried to sooth me._

_"Please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me!", I screamed._

_"Its time", Ms Elsie said._

The men moved closer to me, as Jude scooped me up and layed me on the bed.

_"Were not doing this to hurt you", Jude tried to assure me._

Very carefully Jude grabbed my right arm, as Ryan grabbed my left, Max had my right leg, as Andrew had my left one.

I didn't try to fight them, I knew what was coming.

_"Please don't hurt me", I sobbed.  
_  
Ms Elsie rubbed my hair as she stuck the needle in my arm, and with in a matter of seconds, I was on my way out wondering.._**Who am I again, anyway?**_


	3. Pick up and go

* * *

**Chapter Three: Pick up and go.  
**

* * *

_...Who am I?_

Seems easy enough, doesn't it?

Maybe so, but for me, the right question would be, who was I?

In all honesty I have no idea who I am anymore, and I have an idea of who I was, but then again idea's aren't always right, are they?

My life has become a nightmare, Ive spent four long years in the Inpatient Psych ward in Pheonix , haven't really said a damn word to anyone.

I keep to myself, and everyone always leaves me alone.

I guess that was all going to change today.

I woke up after being heavily sedated, with a throbbing in the back of my head.

I reached my hand behind me, and felt the fresh knit of stitches down the back of my skull.

_"Great! What the hell happened yesterday?_, I thought to myself.

I stuck my head out of my door, and to my surprise almost head butted some one coming through the door.  
_  
"Was just coming to see how your feeling", Jude informed me._

I pointed to the bathroom, he gave me a quick pat down, and moved to the side so I could go.

I let out all the pee that I had been holding in from being passed out, I washed my hands, and my face.

Im sure my face looked worse then I could even fathom.

I ran my wet hands through my hair, to smooth it out, and headed back towards Jude.

I opened my mouth, he took a quick look, I moved my tongue up, he looked again, and then patted me down one more time.  
_  
"Your free to go", he said with a smile.  
_  
I gave him a disgusted look, and I guess it dawned on him, the words that had come out of his mouth.  
_  
"Im sorry, you know I didn't mean to say it like that", he said as his cheeks flushed red._

I stepped back into my room without another word.

Don't get me wrong, Jude was a very nice guy, the closet thing I had to a friend, or would ever have, I know he didn't mean what he said.

That didn't change the fact that he said it, and that it was a huge slap in the face.

I put my slippers on and put my robe on and headed into the living area.

People were in all sorts of funks today.

One guy named Arty, always sat in the corner talking happily to himself, but today he sat there with his head down, as I heard quiet sobs, he was arguing with himself again, and losing.

There was a card game going on in the back, that neither occupants seemed to be paying attention too, both off in their own worlds.

Leslie, who had lost her whole family in a house fire, and was jumped three weeks after that for walking through the wrong neighborhood sporting the wrong color, lost the only family she had left, which were her twin baby boy's, who were due to be born the following month, had tried to commit suicide so many more times then I can imagine, that she was sitting on the other side of the room staring at a blank tv screen, as her body was restrained by a straight jacket.

I wanted to comfort her, I wanted to hug her and love her, but I wasn't capable of any of those emotions so I sat quietly by myself in the dark corner, and even if you tried to talk to her, she was incoherent.

She would cry hysterically for days, screaming _"Give me back my babys, please"._ It would last for days, and it was enough to push any one over the edge, her heart break was so apparent with every cry.

There were different levels, and each one meant something important.

You see, Leslie was on level red, which meant she wasn't aloud to be alone at all, ever.

She had to use the bathroom with the nurse in the stall, shower with the nurse helping her, and if they let her outside, she was to remain in a straight jacket, with a nurse right by her side.

She was given medicine all day long, and had to spend hours in therapy.

Red wasn't suppose to have visitor's or use the phone, but sometimes family's would argue the fact, but in this case, Leslie had no one to argue for her, everyone was gone.

Arty was on Level yellow, which wasn't as severe as red but Arty would never see anything outside of the front yard, if he stayed in yellow.

Yellow was suppose to only have visitors once a week, or once every two weeks, depending on behavior, and could only use the phone 5 times in a month.

Then you have green, green was _almost_ free to do what they wanted, _almost_.

They could go out to the front yard at anytime with a nurse close by, shower, pee, talk on the phone, they could even go into town, on field trip days, but as always accompanied by someone, still it was a lot more freedom then any one else got.

Of course every level was required to take medicine, even if it was just one dose a day, and talk to Mr Jade or Mrs. Ryan, or who ever else was assigned to that floor.

The Ward consisted of Twelve different floors, and stretched out across four or more acre's of land.

As sick as it sounds, it was a beautiful place, large gardens, large fields surrounded by iron gates and alarms, it was a beautiful place except for the white walls, and iron bars, it had been a mansion, once owned by some rich, royal fuck.

I wasn't really considered on any level, I was a level all my own.

I never talked to anyone, especially any therapist, most of the time, I half swallowed my pills, so I could spit it out or throw it up later.

If you tried to force me into therapy or any of the sort, I would loose it.

It wasn't that I was a bad person, well depending on who you ask, but I really wasn't.

The truth is, I can't handle anything, so if you let me live in the here and now of the nothingness that has become my life, we'd get along swell.

This place has been my home, the only home I'd let myself remember, so when the next news came to me by the person I despised most, I knew he was a goner.

Mr. Jade had despised me since day one, he had judged me before he even met me, and if he had it his way, he'd give me a month's worth of pills in one night, and pray to God it killed me right away.  
_  
"May I have a word with you?", he said trying to sound polite, in case any one was listening._

Didn't you just have a "word" with me, I wanted to say?

Wasn't asking me that, enough "word" for a life time?

I stared him right in the eyes, clenching my fists.

I didn't say a word to him, or shake my head in response, I just stood there staring at him, as I felt my blood boiling.

Jude came up behind me, he stuck his hand into my hand to let me know I needed to calm down.  
_  
"Don't let him get to you", he whispered so only I could hear._

Mr. Jade turned on his heel, and I knew it was my cue to follow.

Jude let me walk a head of him, but I knew he'd be close by to make sure all was well.

We walked down to the end of the hall, into his office.

This room had been the staring role in some of my nightmares, and I flinched at the memories.

There was nothing out of the ordinary about it actually, it had a big brown desk it in, and white walls.

He had pictures of "soothing" things around on the walls, pictures of his family, and his awards and plaque's.  
_  
"How the hell this guy ever tricked someone into marrying him, is beyond me.", I thought to myself._

"_Lets not pretend to like each other anymore okay?", he started off._

_"Im just going to get to the point, and make this quick, were moving you to another facility, we have more important patients here to take care of, and more on the way, and your just taking up precious space", he said with a sinister smile._

Those words burned right down to my core, I had heard those words before, before all of this had happened._  
_  
Those words had eaten a whole right into my heart, and the whole had never recovered.

_"Before you get excited, were not releasing you, let me make that very clear, some one as fucked up as you, shouldn't be allowed to socialize with civil human beings, this doesn't mean your cured, or okay, because lets face it, your no where near ever leaving this kind of place, but I wash my hands of you forever, Thank the Lord!", he said as if he was a preacher in a black church, waiting for the congregation to sing Amen after wards._

I stared at him as I felt the rage filling my every corner and crevice of my body.

He stared back at me, as he leaned over towards me and said, _"Hit me, you know you want too. Go ahead."_

I felt my fists clench but resisted the urge, I was not going out of here like a fool, he was not winning this one.

_"Whats wrong?", he said sarcastically._

I got up and headed towards the door, I didn't need to listen to this shit any longer.

I was being moved around once again, I needed to go into my room as soon as possible and scream the pain away.

I would be utterly alone, even though I was utterly alone now, I wouldn't have Ms. Elsie, or Jude, or any of the nurses who were actually kind to me, or let me be.  
_  
"Whats wrong? Don't feel so tough without a gun? What, should I scream please don't, just like your mom?", he said coldly._

Before I knew what was happening I was flying over the desk my fists in front of me wailing on him, like I've never wailed before.

I felt Jude's presence behind me, but was shocked when he didn't pull me off.

_"Jude! Stop this crazy bitch! Get her off of me!", he cried._

I was punching and punching as the blood flew around the room, I felt his nose break under my fist.

I proccedded to bash his head off the ground, not once ever saying a word.

Mr. Jade continued to scream for help, and just as he got louder Jude rushed over to me and carefully pulled me off of him.  
_  
"Your going to loose your job!", Mr. Jade screamed at Jude, "Kiss your license goodbye!", he cried._

When Jude had me restrained into his bear hug, he looked right up at Mr. Jade, and the words that came out next surprised me.

_"Who's going to loose who's job when I tell them the way you threatened her, talked down to her, and instigated something you knew would only result in a fight?", Jude spat at him._

_"Your a sorry excuse for a human being, and a lousy fucking therapist, why do you think everyone on your floor never leaves?", he said as he turned on his heel and walked me towards to bathroom to clean up._

Jude was sticking up for me.

I looked up at him as we walked into the bathroom together, my eyes said it all.

_"Your welcome", he smiled, "And I really am sorry about what I said earlier, I just wanted to make you laugh", he said softly._

I shook my head to show him I dismissed what he said earlier, and it didn't bother me.

Jude could get into a lot of trouble being in the bathroom with a female patient, and I didn't want him loosing his job, so I pushed him towards the door with a smile.

_"Where is she?!Jude where the hell is she?!", I heard Ms. Lillian screaming._

_"Shit, I was in deep trouble", I thought to myself._

_"She's going to the bathroom, she'll be right out, you can wait in her room, for her", he replied cooly._

I didn't have any belongings except one thing, and I walked out of the bathroom with Jude by my side, to grab it.

As I turned into my room to grab it, Ms. Lillian was sitting on my bed with the only possession I owned in her hand.

_"Strap her down Jude! She's getting a sedative for the ride over!", Ms. Lillian said in a loud voice._

My eyes must have shown my panic, because Jude tried to talk her out of it.

_"After what just happened with Mr. Jade! She's lucky he's not pressing charges!", she shouted._

_"You werent there! You didn't see a thing!", Jude raised his voice back, which Jude never did._

Ms. Lillian stomped out of the room with my possession in hand, _"And this is going in the trash!", I heard her voice screaming from the hallway._

I started to cry, _"Please give me that back! Please don't throw it away!", I sobbed._

Ms. Elsie came in as she heard me crying,_ "Err'y thin gonna be alright Chil", she said soothingly._

_"Look I gotta make it look like you got a sedative, so Im only going to give you enough to keep you in a light sleep, and put the rest down the sink, babygirl", she said reassuringly._

_"She's throwing it away!", I cried._

Ms. Elsie gave me a small kiss on the head, I knew I would never see her again, as she inserted the needle into my arm, and I started to drift into restlessness.

I looked up to the ceiling one last time, as Jude picked me up and cradled me into his arms_.  
_  
He was carrying me down the hall way towards the stretcher I would be restrained too on the ride over, he leaned down as he lowered me onto it, and whispered into my ear,_" Your going to be alright, everything will work out I promise,I love you", he said._

I looked up to him to see tears in his eye's, I held in the tears that were trying to push there way out.

Nobody had said they loved me in over 7 years.

I looked up at him one last time, I wanted to memorize his face, before he turned away to go into the bathroom to hide his sobbing.

This is the last thing I heard before I went under **_"Oh and by the way", Jude said loud enough for everyone to hear," We all know you didn't do it"._**


	4. Shot

* * *

**Chapter four: Shot.**

* * *

Waking up in a room with blinding lights above your face, with people poking and prodding you is not fun, no matter what any one says, trust me.

I have never seen this ceiling before, of that I am most definitely sure.

I should go into the ceiling business, pick out which ones are good for the room or not.

After staring at them repeatedly for years, I was a ceiling pro.

A part of me wanted to freak out though, to kick and scream, to fight my way back to the place Id lived for four years, while the other half of me didn't want any more needle's today.

The biggest part of me though was so reluctant to be away from Mr. Jade and Ms. Lillian, that it would gladly take the poking and bright light, in exchange to be away from Hitler and Saddam.

I hated routine examination, every newbie had to get one, and we were suppose to get them once a month on top of that.

I looked up to see the doctors and nurses moving around me, not one of them acknowledged me, or asked how Im doing.

Great they already hated me, and I havn't even said a damn word.

Finally one of the female nurses saw me staring at them intently, _"She's ready", they stated._

Ready? What was I ready for, I wanted to ask.

Before I even had a chance to ask, they wheeled me towards the doors and out to the hall way.

I layed back down, and closed my eyes, there was no point in looking at where we were going.

As if I wouldn't be spending all my time here, and wouldn't have all the time in the world to stare at these walls.

They suddenly stopped in front of a room, and I knew exactly what happens next, my favorite of all favorites, a cavity check.

No, not the kind your dentist gives, though they would be inspecting my mouth also, this one consisted of me being bent over, and them looking into my peep hole.

I know thats not the best visual ever, or the best way to explain it, but as the saying goes.._"It is what it is."_

After they took the restraints off of me, I hoped off the stretcher, and did what I knew was coming next.

This seemed to take the nurse by surprise.

_"Oh", was what she huffed out._

_"Do this often?", she joked._

I just continued to bend over, and hope to God it would be over soon.  
_  
Yeah bitch, I do this often, whats it to you? Like way to rub it in, ass, I thought to myself._

_"Your all ready to go", she said ._

I turned back around and buttoned my gown back up.

Another female nurse was waiting outside for me, her name tag read "Rita".

From the looks of it, Rita was going to be one of the floor nurses, meaning she would be a nurse on the floor I was sleeping on.

She tried to make small talk, but I just ignored her, looking around at my surroundings, wondering if every hospital looked exactly the same or was this just my luck?

She swiped her card into the system so the doors would open for us.

No one was around on the floor, and I was starting to wonder if I was the only person here.

_"Saaaweeet", my little heart sung out to me._

We walked down the hall together, and she stopped me at the last room.

I guess this one is mine.

_"Ill leave you alone for a couple minutes to get adjusted, but I'll be back to get you in five", she said sweetly._

_"Oh and by the way", she said turning around again, "my names Rita"._

I pointed to her name tag to show her I wasn't illiterate.  
_  
"Oh", she said obviously embarrassed by my starkness._

I couldn't help but laugh to myself as she walked away.

It must suck to be outsmarted by a girl who didn't even say two words to you._  
_  
Oh how she would learn very quickly.

I sat down on the large bed, and looked around.

The room was the biggest I had ever had,there was a desk in there, and a lamp, and across from that was a huge window over looking the grounds, but of course guarded by huge iron bars.

I brushed my hands through my hair one time, to make sure there were no traces of blood from Mr. Jade, or from where my stitches were.

I saw my reflection in the window, and noticed my face was still dirty, and there was a smear of dry blood across my cheek.

Like I had anyone to impress.

I wanted to ask if I could go wash up, but Im sure Rita wasn't a fan of me already, and there was no way in hell I was even giving her the gratification of saying one word to her.

_"Were ready for you", she said breaking me out of my train of thought._

_Who in the hell is we?, I thought to myself._

_"We're already late, check up ran a little over scheduled time, so we'll just enter quietly in through the back", Rita informed me._

I followed Rita quietly, as she turned around every few seconds to make sure I wasn't running away.

I stared her in the eyes, to say "_Knock it the fuck off, I ain't going anywhere."_

She quickly stopped the eye fucking she had been doing, and opened a door very quietly and motioned for me to step in.

I walked into a large room surrounded by chairs and couches,_ "Great, group therapy", I huffed to myself.  
_  
No one noticed my entrance and for that I was grateful, I waited until Rita came in to show me where to sit.

As she pointed to a chair in the back, I quietly took my seat.

Of course Rita couldn't do the same, her knee knocked into a chair hitting it into another.

Everyone turned to look at her.

_"Im so sorry Doctor Morgan", Rita said tripping over her words._

_"Its all right", she said back, "I'm glad you could finally join us", she smiled sweetly._

_"Examinations ran a little late, you know how that goes", Rita laughed._

It seemed by some weird force of nature, no one had even noticed me.

_"Pheww!", I breathed out to myself.  
_  
Doctor Morgan went on discussing some Psycho babble, about us being a family and being able to help each other,_ Yeah whatever you say Doc.  
_  
I had started to only half listen to what she was saying, as I was day dreaming about sitting outside reading a book.  
_  
"So do we have any new family members?", Doctor Morgan had asked._

I noticed a couple of hands go up slowly, but continued to day dream.

Doctor Morgan pointed to a boy who couldn't be over twenty six, if that.

_"Welcome", she said with a smile._

Welcome? What kind of shit was that? AS if anything about being in a Psych ward was welcoming. Bitch done gone lost her damn mind.

He fidgeted with his hands, as he tried to fake a small smile back.

_"I know this is hard for you sweetheart, and I don't want to push you to hard, but its helpful if we all know why your here, that way we can start the healing together", she said to him._

He looked around the room, his eyes catching mine for a second, and I don't know if I was hallucinating or what but what flashed in them for a brief second took me by surprise.

It was as if he was pleading with me to help him. What the fuck was I going to do for him? I couldn't even help myself.

Why the fuck did he think I was here in the first place, not like I signed myself up for this bullshit, thank you very much.

_" I, um, I was a a major in the army, which is un usual for someone my age, I am well aware of that. I did my job well, and it showed. I was sent to Iraq to lead a group of men further into Iraq to form a search party for missing soldiers. After everything that happened, I was injured and sent home. I, I have trouble sleeping, and after every thing I saw, it got to be too much, so we all decided it was for the better, me coming here, until I got better", he said quietly._

_"You made a wise decision love", Ms. Morgan said._

_"Would you mind introducing yourself?", she asked nervously._

_"Um, my names Jasper Whitlock", he said in an almost whisper as he hung his head, all though Ms. Morgan didn't make him repeat it.  
_  
A few other people said there names and what they were doing here, but I barely listened.

I wondered what Jasper had seen, and why it made him feel like he _had_ to be here.

I wondered what kind of parents would encourage their son, that being locked up in the Coo Coo ward, was for the better.

I heard an "Ahem", from behind me and turned slowly to see Rita standing there.

I wonder what she was ahem'ing about, and turned back around to quickly find out.

She was a traitor, she was letting Doctor Morgan know I was here, and I was new to the _family_.

What a stupid bitch, she was definitely on my shit list for good.  
_  
"Oh, well forgive me please!", Doctor Morgan exclamied, " I hadn't noticed you sitting there"._

I just stared straight ahead at the crack in the wall, I was well aware of all the eyes that were boaring into my sides.

I even heard some one mutter something about _"Wonder where the blood on her face is from",_ I didnt even bother to look at them.

Doctor Morgan asked me what my name was again, but I continued to stare at the wall.

She continued to go on to some one else, she probably felt bad for me, she probably thought this was my first time in this kind of place.  
_  
Stupid naive doctor, oh you have much to learn, I mused to myself._

Everyone went on to say their names and a brief description of why they are here, or something along those lines.

I had stopped listening a long time ago.

I felt someone staring at me, but refused to look, they could just go fuck themselves.  
_  
"She doesn't have to answer Doctor Morgan? What is she fucking better then all of us?", the voice shouted._

Doctor Morgan tried to shush them, as I stared daggers straight ahead at Doctor Morgan.  
_  
"No! Its not fair, if we all have to do it, then so does she!", the voice said again.  
_  
I felt my anger boiling, I was going to kill whoever this person was.

I decided to not even look at them, because then I'd have a face for the voice and that would be very bad for them.  
_  
"Jessica!", Doctor Morgan shouted, "I said that's enough"._  
_  
"Whatever! She's probably just milking some fake ass story, so her family feels sorry for her or something. Whats wrong? Mommy doesn't give you enough attention?, you lazy bitch", Jessica stated.  
_  
Oh no, the bitch had gone and done it now.

I looked her right into her dumb blue eyes and let the next words surround her maliciously.

_"Actually Jessica, It is Jessica isn't it?", I said with a sly grin._

_"Um yeah", she said not aware of my sarcasm._

_"Jessica, Jessica, Jessica, Tsk Tsk Tsk, Nobody gets in here with a reason as stupid as that, I was hoping you could actually come up with an intelligent remark", I said with a grin._

_"Who are you?", she said nervously._

_"Isabella Swan", I heard Rita state from behind me._

I leaned over to Jessica so she could see the rage in my eyes.

I blatantly ignored the fact that Ms. Morgan and Rita were trying to shush Jessica up.

I leaned over as far as I could go without touching her.

_"Actually Jessica, you are right. I am a lazy bitch, but you see not in the way you think", I said sweetly._

Jessica was very unaware of that fact that I wasn't trying to play nice, or be friends, this bitch was delusional.

She shook her head sweetly, she wanted me to go on, to explain my lazyness, oh you stupid girl.  
_  
"You see Jessica, there were a hundred and one way's I could have gone about what I did, I could have thought up several interesting ways to actually do this, I could have made an art of it, I could have been on hundreds of magazine covers, and in news article's across the states, but you see Jessica, instead I took the lazy way out.", I said as I batted my eyes._

_"What did you do?", she asked with excitement._

I heard someone laughing from behind me, obviously aware of how fucking stupid this Jessica girl was._  
_

**_"I shot my mother", I said as I gave her a sinister grin, and with that she fainted._**


	5. What the hell is your name?

* * *

**Chapter Five: What the hell is your name?  
**

* * *

_"Are you listening to me, Isabella?', Doctor Morgan asked._

I looked at her blankly.

_"Basically what I'm saying is since you didn't put a hand on Jessica Stanley or anything of the sort, there will be no consequences", she said calmly.  
_  
Noticing that I wasn't going to say a word, she went on with her speech.  
_  
"I know Jessica is a lot to handle and a bit of an instigator", she said but stopped when she saw my face._

I gave her a look that clearly said..._"A BIG FUCKING SMELLY CUNT OF AN INSTIGATOR ACTUALLY."_

She let out a loud laugh, and then regained her composure.

_"Anyway, what I was trying to explain is that we don't usually let patients have field trip privileges for at least a month but seeing as Jessica is going to need some time to recover, and Im sure you would rather not be anywhere near her, we are allowing you to join in on these trips during the day and you'll come back in the afternoon", she said with a smile._

I looked at her to show her I understood what she said, and then quickly looked towards the door.

"_Ready to leave already?", she laughed._

_"Rita, please come take Isabella to her room, so she can grab her things for the day", Ms. Morgan chimed.  
_  
Rita seemed wary of me ever since two days ago with the whole Jessica thing, and I was starting to wonder if she seriously thought she would stay happy working in the nutty bin all day long?

After Jessica had fainted I quickly got up and walked into my room.

Rita followed in twenty minutes later and informed me that I wouldn't be leaving my room unless I had to pee or eat, until they decided what should be done about the incident.

I ate in the dinning hall three times since Jessica fainted, and wished every one had fainted along with her.

I was tired of people staring at me, or giving me huge grins when I walked by.

I honestly didn't give a flying fuck if people thought what I did was wrong or right, I just wanted to be left the fuck alone.

I sat in a corner by myself with my head down, eating my cereal or sandwich, and when I would meet someone's eyes I would shoot daggers into them until they turned around quickly.

The only one's who wouldn't turn around right away were Jasper and some other kid, who I didn't even bother looking at, except to stare into his eyes with my cold stare.

I grabbed my trash and was on my way down the aisle of tables to throw it out when Jasper dropped something in front of me, stopping me in my tracks.

_"Hi", he said not even bothering to pick it up._

I looked at him once, looked at the ground at his trash, and then turned to the aisle on my left and headed towards my room for the night.

So now here we are back to the present, as Rita and I are heading towards my room to get me changed and head out for the day.

Laying on my bed were gray sweat pants, a small white t-shirt, and white sneakers.

The t-shirt had my last name written on the front, right above my right breast.

Rita patted me down once to make sure I had nothing on me, and then stepped outside of my room so I could change.

I put on my clothes and slipped my sneakers on, as I found a hair tie sitting on my bed.

I ran my fingers through my hair, and pulled it into a pony tail.

I walked out of my door, and stood there waiting for Rita.

Where the hell did she disappear too? Ugh! Whatever I'll just lean against the wall while I wait for her.

I started to play with a piece of my hair, when I noticed that same stupid boy was standing outside of his door, directly across from mine and one over, in his pajama's staring at me.

I stared him right back down to let him know, his shenanigans weren't flying with me.

I heard someone come up behind me and cough to let me know they were there.

I turned slowly to see who the culprit was.  
_  
"Hi, Im Noah, I was sent up here to come get you so we can head out", said the male nurse._

I nodded my head to let him know I was ready.

As we were walking passed the stupid boy's door, Jasper also came to his door and was also looking at me.

_"You got them lining up already", Noah laughed._

I shot them a look that said _"Take a fucking picture it'll last longer"._

I heard Noah choke on a laugh and try to swallow it back down; I guess it was against the rules to encourage sarcasm.

Noah led me outside to a group of, about twenty people,who all dressed the same way, even the nurses, all with our last names on the front of our shirts.

I got on the bus and sat all the way in the back.

The bus was actually really nice, it was a greyhound bus with a bathroom on it, and comfy seat's and tv's, but this one actually belonged to the Clinic.

I couldn't say I felt one way or the other about being able to go out.

I 've gotten use to the white walls, and now socializing with 'human beings' or lack there of actually, makes me sick to my stomach.

I layed my head back against the seat and started to doze off.

_"Swan wake up, we're here", a female voice said as she tapped me to get up.  
_  
I just wanted to go back to sleep, I didn't care where the fuck we were.

I groggily got up and followed the nurse of off the bus; everyone was already waiting.

I didn't even bother to say sorry, it wasn't my fault I didn't get much sleep.

I wanted to ask where we were, but that would go against my whole not talking ever again, except to make people extremely uncomfortable thing, I had going for me.

Luckily enough for me some blond hair girl spoke up.

_"Ugh! Port Angele's! As if we don't hate this place enough", she groaned._

So Port Angele's huh? If my history lesson's served me right wouldn't that be in Washington or something?

What the fuck were we doing in Washington!

Had I really passed out that long for the ride? Wait, there's no way in hell I was passed out that long for a ride.

Nor did I think it was possible to drive from Arizona to Washington in such a short amount of time.

I would remember to thank God later if I had been on an airplane.

I hated heights, and the last time I had been on a plane had been with Renee.

I stopped myself before my thoughts could go any further, snap back to reality.

I followed the group down the hill towards the strip mall.

I was walking behind a group of people when I over heard a conversation, I rather wish I didn't hear.

_"So apparently she killed her own mother! Shouldn't she be in like, jail? Poor Jessica hasn't been the same ever since!", said the blond hair girl again._

_"How come she's still here then? Shouldn't we report this?", a boy asked._

_"AHEM! Mind your mouth's", Noah said._

I didn't even notice him walk up, but was thankful for him now.

He gave me a sympathetic look and I just turned my head to show I didn't care.

Home girl was now on my shitlist, Noah had better keep an eye on her or else she'd be my next victim.

I walked ahead of them and then slowed my pace to turn around and give the blondie a wicked grin.

I heard her gasp, and I turned my head back to chuckle to myself.

To be quite honest, I didn't know a fucking thing about Port Angele's.

I noticed some of the girls where trailing off to the clothing store, while some of the boys followed them.

To my right was a park, and I noticed Noah and another nurse were heading towards it with a few patients.

I followed behind them quietly and took a seat on a bench by myself.

I was sitting quietly soaking up the sun, when I felt someone sit down next to me.

_"I know your not going to to try anything funny, so I'm going to sit over there with some of the kids who might", Noah said with a grin, pointing to a bench across the park._

I nodded with a small smile to show I was thankful.

He smiled back and headed towards the bench across the park to watch some of the kids, toss a ball.

I hadn't been out in the sun in so long, it felt so good on my skin.

I laid my head back and closed my eyes.

I was deep in thought, wondering how my life got so fucked up.

What did I do to deserve this? I wondered in my what fucked up universe, did I do something so bad that I deserved to be so isolated from the world?

I never let my mind think of those things, or how I got in this position ever, but for some reason thinking about it now, out in the sun, wasn't bothering me as much.

I opened my eyes again to watch a group of men playing ball in front of me.

They had to be college students, maybe on the baseball team.

I was turning my head to the side to watch a mom playing with her daughter, when I felt something coming towards me.

Before any one could say anything I reached my hand up without looking and caught the ball in mid air.

_"Watch o"- I heard someone try to call, but stopped when they saw me catch it._

I turned back towards the men, and saw that one of them were running over to me.

I threw the ball back at him, and he caught it.

I was hoping he would turn back towards his game, but he continued to jog over towards me.

_"Nice throw!", he said as he stood in front of me.  
_  
I just looked at him, not saying a word.

_"How in the hell did you catch that without even looking?", he said sounding intrigued._

I didn't say anything, and he took it as his cue to sit next me.

What an ass.

_"Names Dale", he said reaching his hand out to me._

I looked at his hand and back to him.

_"Right", was all I said._

_"Ever play ball before?", he said ignoring my attitude._

_"No, never", was my response._

_"A girl with some sass and a mean arm, I think I'm in love", he laughed._

_"Sorry we can't all be prissy little fucking air heads", I said back._

_"So whats your name?", he tried, but I blatantly ignored him._

_"Come play ball with us", he said._

I just looked at him.  
_  
"Shouldn't keep your friends waiting", I said._  
_  
"They don't think girls can play ball, you should come play, and prove them wrong", he said back._  
_  
"Well from the looks of it, ya got a bunch of Nancy's on your team anyway, so your all set", I said pointing towards his team._

He laughed at what he saw too.

One of his friends was standing with his hands on his hip, and his hip pointed out.

While his other friend was asking another friend to wipe the dirt off of his back side.

The other members were just standing around staring off in space, figures.

_"Point taken", he said with a smile._

_"Got a name?", he tried again._

_"Obviously, jack ass", I said._

He took the hint that I wasn't going to tell him anything.

_"We come here everyday after practice to goof off, and blow off some steam, you should join us one day", he said and for some reason I got a funny feeling he was sort of begging me._

_"Don't hold your breath", I retorted._

_"Well I should get back to the Nancy's", he said and winked at me._

Thank the fucking Lord, he was finally leaving.

_"Oh and by the way", he said looking over his shoulder as he was walking away," I'll be bothering again you sometime soon", he promised._

_"Lucky me", I said snidely  
_

I heard him laugh as he met back up with his little girlfriends.

I went back to soaking up the sun, and reminding myself to figure out how allowance worked here.

Allowance is when they take a certain amount of money out of your bank account every week or so, so you can get the things you need.

I was in need of some books and a journal to draw in.

I had fallen asleep on the bench when I heard a whistle.

I looked up to see Noah signaling to the bus, and taking note that the sun was setting.

I got up quickly and walked towards it before anyone could walk over towards me.

_"Hey sleepy head that was a promise", I heard Dale call to me._

I flipped him the bird over my head and continued on my trek back to the bus.  
_  
"Cant leave you alone for five minutes", Noah said sitting next to me on the bus._

I gave him a confused look, because I was pretty sure I was on my best behavior.

_"We're going to have to start beating the men off with a bat", he mused, "Oh and by the way, Awesome catch today"._

I rolled my eyes, and he laughed.

Noah continued to talk next to me about why he chose this job, and why hes glad for people like me.

I listened but didn't say a word back, which I think he was thankful for.

I'm sure it gets lonely working in the Wacko Ward, and he was just glad to have someone to talk too.  
_  
"Nooahh!", I heard a familiar blond girl's voice whine._

He turned to the seat behind him, and looked.  
_  
"Yes Lauren?", he asked._

_"Come sit with us", she said trying to flirt but just sounding flat out pathetic._

_"I'm already in a seat", he said back_

_"But Noo-aa-hh", she whined again._

_"But Noo-aa-hh what?", he said mimicking her annoying voice._

_"Come sit with us!", she whined some more._

_"Lauren, cut the crap. I'm your nurse, not your boyfriend.", he said with authority._

_"No clearly you have already found a girlfriend", she said back trying to sound innocent._

_"You better watch your mouth", he spat back._

_"Hmmph", was all she said._

Noah didn't say another word after that, I think he was fuming from dealing with the ward bimbo's all day.

After we pulled up I walked straight to my room, and passed out.

I woke up just in time for dinner at seven, and headed towards the dining hall.

I sat in the back at a table by myself.

Lauren, Jessica, that stupid boy, and some other kids were all sitting together.

Jasper was sitting across the table from me, and would look in my direction every so often.  
_  
"Supposedly we're getting a new kid sometime this week or next", Lauren said_  
_  
"Wonder if it's a boy or not?", Jessica asked._

"_I hope hes cute!", Lauren gasped._

They're conversation went back and forth for a while but was almost a whisper, and I was enjoying my quiet dinner too much to care why they were speaking so quietly.

_"Knock your shit off Lauren", I heard the stupid boy yell._

I looked up to see everyone looking at their table, Lauren was obviously embarrassed that the stupid boy was letting everyone hear what they were talking about

_"Calm down Mike! It was a joke", Jessica said obviously confused by whatever he was ranting about._

OH! So the stupid boy had a name.

_"Grow the fuck up", he said grabbing his trash and storming away._  
_  
"Not my fault she was practically sucking Noah's dick on the bus", I heard Lauren say._

Wonder who they're talking about, oh, could it be me?

_"Do you think he has a crush on the psycho Bitch?", I heard Jessica ask, only confirming my suspicion on who their topic of conversation was about._

I hadn't even noticed Jasper walking towards me, because I was too busy debating on beating them to a bloody pulp or not.

I decided I enjoyed the sun too much to get my privileges taken away, they would get theirs soon enough.

I grabbed my trash and headed to throw it out.

_"They're just mad because even in here all they'll ever be is fucking whores", I heard a voice say behind me._

It was Jasper, and he was trying to calm me down.

I half smirked at him and walked away.

I laid in bed later that night and let my mind wander.

I wondered who the new kid would be, and if it would be another stupid girl.

Oh God! Lets hope not!

Well who ever it was, lets just hope to God that they can keep to themselves.

I was already fed up with the lack of intelligence here.

I started to drift off to sleep, and the last thing to cross my mind was my mom.

I wondered what she would say if she was here now?

What would she think of how hateful, and cold hearted I had become so many years ago?

What would she think of how I never thought of her, or any one else?

I wondered what she would think of how I didn't even know who I was anymore, and I hadn't for such a long time now.

I let one single tear slide down my cheek, and I vowed to myself that night, that I would never think about her ever again, or any one else.  
_**  
Who am I again anyway?, and with that I was fast asleep.**_


	6. Me, myself, and I

* * *

**Chapter Six: Me, myself and, I.  
**

* * *

I woke up to arguing, and rolled over.

Would I ever get a full night of sleep? Ugh! My guess would be, No!

I sleepily got up and headed towards the door, to open it.

I looked around and didn't see anyone, but I heard the yelling getting louder.

I closed my eyes for a second, and opened them back up when I heard someone choking on tears.  
_  
"So what now mom? I came here to make everyone's life better and now your just going to abandon me?", he screamed._

I finally found the shaking form, it was Jasper.

He was sitting in the living room with, who I could only guess to be his mom, and another woman.  
_  
"Jasper, don't talk to me like that", she corrected him._

I heard him choke on a_ "Pfft"._

_"Look it's getting to be a lot of money to travel back and forth here all the time, and with the collect calls home all the time! We have to think of your little sister. She doesn't know your here, she thinks your on a vacation and"- she tried to say but Jasper cut her off._

_"So I go to fight for your freedom, and your ashamed of me?", he said in disbelief._

_"If we're just going to argue then I'm going to leave", she said._

_"Bye", was all Jasper said.  
_  
His mother got up so fast I almost didn't see it, and huffed off.

The blond hair girl that was sitting with them just stayed there.  
_  
"Don't you have to leave too?", Jasper asked with attitude.  
_  
She moved her hand to his knee, and gave him a small smile.

_"Forever and ever Jazzy, you know that. I'm not going anywhere", she said as she moved closer to him._

She handed him a necklace with a guitar pick on it and then pulled out an identical necklace out of her shirt, to prove to him that she hadn't given up._  
_  
My guess was that it was his girlfriend, but then again what did I know?

_"Aren't you going to get in trouble for staying here?", Jasper said in almost a whisper._

_"I don't give a fuck about them! Jasper I will never leave you alone! Your my other half! Your my best friend, my twin!", she said with anger, but it was directed towards some one else._

_"I love you so much bro", she said her eyes were pleading with him to believe her._

_"I don't know what I'd do without you Rose", he said weakly._

_"Me neither", she giggled._

_"What are big sisters for anyway?", she said trying to stifle a laugh._

_"Big sisters?! I hate to rain on your parade sweetie pie, but if my memory serve's me right, I was born first, you followed 4 minutes later!", he said as a smile finally broke onto his face._

_"Well then little sisters!", she said as she nudged him._

_"Speaking of little sister's, does Faye really not know?", Jasper said as his voice fell again._

_"No, I havn't had a chance to be alone with her yet. She asks about you so much though, she misses you so much", Rose said with a sigh._

_"Don't tell her", he said with anger._

_"Jasper you shouldn't have to hid behind shame! You did nothing wrong", she said in an almost whisper._

_"Please Rosalie, I don't want her thinking I don't love her. I don't want her to be scared for me", he begged._

_"Your the best man I will ever know", Rosalie said as a tear fell down her cheek._

_"You better get going, its almost breakfast time anyway", Jasper said obviously uncomfortable with the turn of conversation._

_"I'll be back as soon as possible, maybe tomorrow. Call me as much as you want, money doesn't mean a thing to me", she said._

_"You sure about that, Miss designer clothes?", Jasper laughed trying to make lite of the situation._

_"You know you love how good I dress!", She joked back._

Jasper picked his sister up into a huge hug, and then kissed her head.

_"I love you Jazzy", she said._

_I love you Rossie", he said back._

I turned slowly to go the bathroom, it wasn't like me to listen in on other people, but I had to make sure he was okay.

I don't know why, I didn't care about him.

It was because he sent me a peace offering yesterday when he said that about Jessica and Lauren.

I was almost to the bathroom when I heard him call after me_, "Don't think I didn't see you", he said amused._

I ducked into the bathroom and went right to wash my face.

I didn't care that he saw me, I just didn't want him to think I was some gossipy numnut like the rest of the girls here.

After I relieved myself, and took a shower, I went back towards the living room.

Jasper was nowhere to be found, and for that I was kind of glad.

I noticed a pen and paper in front of me, and took it and started to draw.

I decided that writing a note didn't count as talking, and he would take the hint of not to confront me about it.

I took the pen and paper and as fast as I could I wrote _"Sorry"._

I slid the paper in my pocket for later, and went to eat breakfast.

After I finished I got dressed into a new pair of sweats, and pulled my hair back.

Everyone was already heading down towards the bus, but I waited till everyone was downstairs.

No one was in the hallway so I ran as fast as I could to Jasper's door which was across and over one from my room, and slid the note under the door, and ran down to the bus.

When we got into Port Angele's I headed straight for the bookstore, and decided I would spend all my time here.

A female nurse and one other patient were in the bookstore also.

I wouldn't be getting my allowance for another week, and I might just go crazy.

I needed books, and I needed them badly.

I took my time going up and down the aisle's grazing all the bindings on all the books, and taking in the smell.

It had been so long since I had been in a bookstore last, and the little bit of peace I felt, was intoxicating.

I must have been in here for hours, because the sun was starting to set.

I walked over and stood near the window and the door, to wait for the nurse who told me she would only be a couple minutes more.

"_There you are!", I heard a familiar voice call out to me._

I turned around to see him standing there.

"_I waited for you over in the park, but you were hiding out here! Tricky, very tricky", he said with a laugh._

_"It's your lucky day, I had to come in here for a book for school", Dale said._

_"Lucky isn't the word", I mumbled._

_"Still playing hard to get, are we?", he laughed back._

_"I wouldn't call it playing", I said back with a malicious grin._

_"So what are we reading here?", he said pointing to the book in my hand._

_"Nothing", I said putting it on the table next to me._

_"Isabella we're ready", said the female nurse.  
_  
Dale took one look at the nurse and at me, and looked shocked.

_"I'll let you go", he said quietly.  
_  
It was me this time that let out a loud laugh.

Of course he would leave me alone once he saw I was in a hospital, figures.

I didn't even look back at him, as I walked towards the bus.

I would always be alone, and for some reason that was okay with me.

I didn't need fake relationships, and bullshit friends.

I didn't need anyone, I had myself and that had always been enough, fuck everyone else.

When we got back to the hospital, I went right up to my room, and stayed there for the rest of the night.

I didn't want to pretend to be fucking human anymore.

Though I didn't get one wink of sleep, I spent the next two days laying in bed.

By the third day Noah insisted that I get up and get out, that it would be good for me.

I took the bus ride with the usual crowd, and went and sat at my park bench.

Noah sat across the park again with some patients.

I kept to myself, and kept quiet.

I wasn't going to talk to anyone anymore, I was tired of the bullshit.

The only reason I talked to Dale was to make him feel dumb, and I thought I would never see him again.

Maybe I should re think the rules I set up for myself, and just not talk ever.

Since the whole 'Not talking to any one unless to humiliate them', wasn't working anymore.

Dale's teammates were playing their usual game of ball but he was nowhere to be seen.

This lasted for three more days, he never came, and I didn't care.

I was happy to be in silence.

On the fourth day, I saw one of his teammates leaving my bench and going back towards the game, after he saw me.

_Odd_ was what I thought.

I went to sit down and noticed he had left his book there.

I didn't want to talk to his teammate's or anyone, but I didn't want him to be without his book.

I picked it up and walked it back towards him, and tapped him on his shoulder.

I extended his book back to him, and he just laughed.  
_  
"That's not mine", he said._

My face must have shown my confusion because he answered the question for me.

_"That's yours", he said giving it back to me._

I shook my head no and gave it back to him, this went on for a couple of minutes, me refusing to take it, and him trying to give it back to me.

_"Trust me", he said, "it's yours"._

I was more then annoyed from sort of arguing with this kid, that I grabbed the book and stormed off.

The book was _"Girl Interrupted"_, the book I had been looking at in the bookstore.

I didn't want to read it I was so mad, that I stood up to get back on the bus.

Something fell out of the book, and I picked it up to see what it was.

_"Look I'm not good with these kind of things. I'm sorry if I was an asshole, it took me by surprise. Maybe we should stay away from each other for awhile, ya know? I know you wanted this book, and I hope you enjoy it. Kind of an Ironic book to read, don't ya think?"-Dale._

I wanted to throw the fucking book across the field.

Fuck you guy I don't even know!

You don't know a fucking thing about me, and yet your giving up on me already.

Good, I didn't want you to fucking bother me in the first place.

I was just about to turn on my heel, when I felt a hand grab my arm.

_"Look I don't know what I'm saying.", Dale said._

The look in my eyes must have told him to back off.

_"Don't fucking say anything", I spat back._

_"It's not what it seems", he said._

I glared daggers at his head until he let go of me and slowly stepped back.

I dropped the book to the ground and looked him in the eyes.

He looked like he was going to cry, and I couldn't find it in me to care.

I kicked the book towards him and stormed off.

I knew if I didn't calm down soon, I was going to be in big trouble.

My temper always had a mind of it's own, and did as it pleased.

I went an sat at the Lake, letting myself cool off.

I felt eyes staring at my back the whole time, but didn't even give the person the time of day.

Instead I pulled my knee's to my chest and enclosed my arms around them.

I decided to soak up some of the sun, I knew after today it would be a long time until I saw it again.

I wonder what kids my age were doing? Would I ever be normal? Would any one want to ever talk to me?

Would I ever want to talk to anyone, or would I always be this coldhearted bitch?

I dropped my head and laid it on my hands, on top of my knee's.

I wonder how long they'll keep me in these kind of places?

I'm guessing forever, since I never did what I was suppose to do.

Don't get me wrong, I was a good person, well sort of.

I never did the talking thing though, and that was sort of a big thing in these kind of places.

I never told anyone anything since day one, and I never would.

No one knew anything, no one but me.

Most of my sessions went like this...  
_  
"So Isabella, is there anything you want to discuss?", says some unknown therapist._

_".....................................", would always be my response._

People usually got the hint after the first or second session, and stopped calling me down for them.

Then you had your therapists who thought they were Sean Maguire or some shit, and couldn't understand why it couldn't be like Good Will Hunting.

_Oh I don't know Doc, maybe because this is the real fucking world, and that was a movie, just saying._

I would always be alone with this, so what was the use of talking about it?

So some dumb ass therapist could pretend she fucking cared.

What so we could get close, and then one day she would leave?

Why so she could be the one to make the big bucks, because she was the one who figured out the mysterious Isabella Swan.

No one could ever help me, and there was nothing to help me with.

Everything that happened, already happened, there was nothing to fix.

You can't change the past, plus I never thought about it anyway.

I hardly could remember, even if I tried.

I guess the only argument they would have was that I was so closed off, and that's a big deal because?

Its my fucking life, and its the way I choose to live it, or should I say its the way my life chose to be lived.

As did my temper, my life also has a mind of its own.

It did what it wanted and I just followed along for the ride.

I didn't feel the sun on my skin anymore, and looked up to see it was going down.

I beat everyone else back to the bus and went and sat in the back by the window.

Noah didn't come sit next to me again, and he hadn't talked to me since Lauren's snide little comment a couple days before hand.

No one wanted to be seen with the crazy bitch, guess it was a smart move on his part.

When we got back to the ward, I was informed that my medicine would start back up tonight.

Today couldn't get any fucking better.

I went and sat in the living room curled up in a ball waiting for my medicine.

After I had taken it, I sat back on the couch and stared at the wall.

When I felt the medicine talking affect I started to drag myself back into my room to pass out.

I woke up to people poking me, and could hardly open my eyes.

When my eyes finally adjusted I saw a bright light above my head.

What the fuck was I doing in the medical room?  
_  
"She's awake!", one of the nurses all but yelled._

The doctor came rushing over, checking my vitals, and putting that little flash light into my eyes.  
_  
"That was a close one!", he said._

_"Bella you've been out for a week now!", the nurse exclaimed._

A week? What the fuck did she mean a week?

The last thing I remember is getting up and trying to drag myself back to my room, and then black, complete and utter blackness.

Oh my god, I fucking collapsed, didn't I?

Come to think of it, I don't remember ever making it to my bed.

_"Bella your body must have been exhausted on top of re starting all your medicine after weeks of not having it, and then you hit your head when you collapsed. You should be alright", said the doctor._

They kept me for an hour or two more to make sure I really was okay.

When they released me from the medical center, I walked up to my room accompanied by a nurse.

As I was closing the door to my room, I heard a door fly open and then a knock on mine.

I didn't want to be bothered but couldn't figure out who would be knocking.

I got up and answered the door, and there stood Jasper concern written all over his face.

I walked back towards my bed and sat down.

_"I don't mean to bother you, I've just been a mess of concern", he said nervously._

I wondered why on earth would he be nervous or concerned?

_"You don't remember?", he said._

I shook my head to show him I didn't.  
_  
"Well I was sitting in the living room about a week ago and noticed you didn't look so hot, then you started to wobble as you were walking away so I followed behind to make sure you were okay.", he started off._

_"Then that stupid slut Jessica jumped in front of me to talk to me, and before I knew it you were going down. I pushed her out of my way and ran to you but you were out cold, and your lips were turning blue", he said shaking his head at the memory, his eyes were full of sadness._

_"I'm so sorry I let you fall Bella, I'm so sorry", he said lowering his head._

I didn't understand why he was sorry? He didn't do anything wrong.

I was feeling slightly uncomfortable at the emotions that were rolling off of him, I didn't know what to do.

He looked up at me then and I gave him a slight nod to let him know it wasn't his fault.

He gave me a small smile then walked back towards his room.

I had spent the whole day in bed, and only got up once to take my medicine and pee.

As I laid in bed that night it dawned on me.

I knew why Jasper was upset, and it only made me hate his mother that much more.

Jasper was designed to protect, to help, to watch over people, and here I was right in front of him and he couldn't even protect me from a few feet away.

My heart hurt for Jasper, he didn't deserve that burden or that pain.

Jasper's mom was a heartless Bitch, and I wanted to kill her.

Here was her son in so much pain, so much guilt, and here she was abandoning him, proving to him that he wasn't good enough.

As I drifted off to sleep I heard crying from across the room.

I knew those tears, I knew that heart ache, because I had heard them before.

I shut my eyes tight, and covered my head with the pillow.

I knew there was nothing I could do for him.

He was alone in his pain, just like I was.

I heard his door being opened and people moving around.

I heard Jasper crying louder, and the nurses trying to calm him.

I heard one last scream and then he was out.

A needle in the arm, liquid sleep in your veins.

**And I knew for sure tonight that Jasper would sleep his pain away.  
**


	7. Truth

* * *

**Chapter Seven: Truth.  
**

* * *

There was definitely something in the air, something I noticed yesterday but was to out of it to concentrate on.

I felt it in my bones when I woke up today, I felt it as I showered and was heading to breakfast.

Everyone was overly excited, and buzzing around; I wanted to throw up.

The girls were sitting in their usual spot's gossiping as usual, as I took my normal seat in the corner by myself.

I caught a jist of their conversation, but had no idea what they were talking about.  
_  
"So", Lauren started, "where do you think he is?"_

_"I don't know!", exclaimed Jessica._

They turned to look at me in my corner, and I just stared back.  
_  
"Anyway", Lauren said, "What were we talking about again?"_

_"You guys were talking about the new kid. He's only been here three days. Give the guy a fucking break", Mike said as he took his seat with them._

_"Is Mikey boo jealous?", Lauren asked._

_"No, maybe Mikey boo is just tired of the lack of intelligence at this table", he said grabbing his stuff and going to sit at another table_

Lauren looked dumbstruck as Jessica's mouth hung open.

Jessica called over to his table across from them, _"Are you really not going to sit with us Mike?", she asked as her voice sounded crushed._  
_  
"Not until you guys grow the fuck up. Were not twelve anymore Stanley! We're fucking twenty some years old, and just in case you forgot, were all in the nut house, not high school", he said sounding more then aggravated._

Score Three for Mike, Score 0 for the bimbo's.

Jasper went and sat at his normal table by himself the only table left, he looked like hell, and I wondered if he had really slept the pain away or not.

The worst thing about sedative's is that sometimes you would fall into a comatose of pain.

It would be as if you just got the needle and then every painful thing that ever happened to you swarms into your thoughts, and you can't get out of your own head because your sleep induced into a coma of pain.

_"Mind if I sit here?", a voice I did not know barely asked.  
_  
I heard Jessica and Lauren gasp, and Lauren say _"Oh Em Gee! He's finally said something!", she said shocked._

I heard Mike laugh at her, obviously amused that this person talked to someone besides the slut's.

_"Go ahead", Jasper barely whispered._

I looked up to see Jasper looking in my direction, and his eyes were so sad.

I felt bad that he had to share his table with someone, when he so obviously just needed some time alone.

Though I had to say I felt bad that this new kid couldn't catch a break here.

Little did he know, that Slut One and Slut Two would forever be up his ass, who knows maybe he liked that sort of thing?

Well if he did, he came to the right place he would fit in fine here.

Jasper, sometimes Mike, and myself we never fit in here, and he would learn that fast.

Jasper and the new kid ate in silence, as did I, and as did Mike.

_"Edward", said a female nurse._

The new kid looked up, and over at her.

_"Your family is here to see you", she stated._

Edward's eyes were full of sadness as he got up and walked towards her.

I had, had enough sadness for one day.

I picked my trash up and headed back towards my room to lay down.

I decided that my room was the best place to be.

I spent the next few days in my room, staring at the ceiling.

_"Bella", said Noah, "Were having group therapy."_

I groaned, I hated group therapy more then I hated anything.

I was the first to arrive and I sat at the back of the room.

Jasper came in next and sat next to me, which I didn't feel either way about.

Next came Lauren and Jessica, they sat at the front of the room.

Mike sat in front of me, as the room filled up quickly, and Edward made his way in last.

He took one of the only seat's left which was next to me.

I turned around behind me and noticed a tall man standing there who I had never seen before.  
_  
"Doctor Cullen! What a pleasant surprise", Doctor Morgan said._  
_  
"Doctor Morgan. How are you?", he said politely._

I saw Edward roll his eyes, and put his head down.

I wanted to smirk at this, but something inside of me told me that this wasn't a laughing matter for Edward.

_"I'm doing well, and yourself?" he said with a smile, his teeth were white as anything._  
_  
"I'm doing the same", she said with a smile.  
_  
To say she had a small crush on this man, would be a lie.  
_  
"I'm just here observing. Don't mind me, sorry for the intrusion", he said back as he took a seat behind me._

As if one doctor in the room wasn't enough, Jesus Christ.

I was hoping someone would protest but all the female's were in awe of him, and the guys paid him no attention.

Great I was by myself on this, or so I thought.

I heard Edward snork, and realized he wasn't comfortable with this man being here either.

Doctor Morgan went around doing the usual sha bang of everyone introducing themselves.

Of course when she got to me, and my name, I didn't say a word.

_"Isabella Swan is present" Noah said pointing down to me._

_"Still not talking I see?", Doctor Morgan asked._

I didn't even look at her, I just kept my head down.

Doctor Morgan turned her direction towards Edward, but he didn't say a word either.

Hmm, another mute, ay?

_"Edward Cullen is here", Doctor Cullen stated._

Oh so this kid was the doctors son, shit that sucks.

I heard Doctor Cullen whisper in Edwards ear, _"Edward I know this isn't the best thing in the world, but Doctor Morgan just wants to help you", he said his voice was full of concern_.

Edward didn't say anything, he just continued to stare at the wall.  
_  
"It's alright Doctor Cullen", said Doctor Morgan, "It's okay if he doesn't want to talk right now."_  
_  
"Maybe it would be easier if I let you do this on your own. Ill check in with you tonight", Doctor Cullen said his voice was nothing short of sad.  
_  
He didn't want to leave, and you could see it.

Edward just continued to stare at the front of the room, as Doctor Cullen patted his back and left the room.

I saw Edward relax a little bit, and I wondered what it was that made him so advent against this man.

_"I'll start!", said Jessica with too much excitement._

She was batting her lashes at Edward, but he continued to stare at the wall and roll his eyes at it.

_"So Jessica let's begin", Doctor Morgan started._  
_  
"Well my name is Jessica Anne Stanley, and I'm nineteen years old", she said as Lauren gave her a high five._

_"I went to Forks Highschool, and one day there was a school shooting. Mike, Lauren and myself were all present. Though I didn't see anything because Lauren and I were in the bathroom hiding, it has just been scary to function in society", Jessica said._

_"Yeah, it was really hard on Jessica and I", Lauren stated._

_"My best friend was shot and killed during that", Mike barely spoke up.  
_  
_"He was our friend too!", Lauren debated back._

_"Were you there holding Tylers body? Were you there promising your best friend it would be okay when you knew he wouldn't make it?  
Were you hiding under the teachers desk scared they'd come back for both of you? You didn't have to look around at the other bodies, knowing there was nothing you could do!  
You don't know how it fucking feels to be in the room with someone as they take their last breath, knowing that it should be their family with them!  
You guys don't know shit! You weren't hiding in the bathroom!  
You both were in there putting make up on, being the stuck up bitches you both are!  
You thought it was a fire drill, and stayed in there until it was over. I was shot Lauren!  
I almost didn't make it! Stop playing sympathy off of other people's pain!", Mike spat out as tears started to roll down his cheek._

I wanted to reach up and put my hand on Mike's back, but I couldnt make my body do anything, it was numb.

_"It wasn't that bad", Lauren said back with a pout._

_"Wasn't that bad?", Mike said as he stood up." Lauren your a fucking princess, mommy and daddy buy you everything, people kiss your ass!  
You don't know shit about fucking pain! The only reason you and Jessica are here is because you both played the sympathy card!  
The same thing you bitched at Bella for, is exactly why you're here! You both got Lauren's parents to donate money to get you both in here, so you could be babied when you get out! You both fucking disgust me! You don't know what it's like to lose the only fucking person who made you feel normal!  
You wouldn't know what its like to come from a fucked up family, and strive every day to be fucking normal", Mike was enraged as the tears came flying now._

Mike stormed off, and I felt Jasper get up to follow him.

_"Can you two ever behave?", Noah spat at Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb._

_"Jessica and Lauren, I would like to see you both in my office, right away! Im tired of you two inciting people!", Doctor Morgan yelled._

Everyone got up and cleared the room out, I sat there in a daze.

Mike had always seemed so happy, I can't believe what he lived through, and the mask he fought everyday to put on.

I heard Edward sniffling beside's me, and I stared straight ahead.

I didn't know why he was crying, and I didn't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

Slowly I got up and hid in my room, I didn't know what else to do, and I knew today had been a mess of emotions.

I decided to stay out of the way, people didn't need to worry about me when they had so much going on.

I spent the next week in my room, and wondering if everything had calmed down yet.

There was a knock at my door, followed by _"Isabella you have a visitor", said Noah._

Visitor? He must have been mistaken. No one had ever come to visit me.

I got up slowly and walked to the living room, where Edward was also sitting.

_"Bella?", I heard a voice ask._

In front of me stood Jude, and he was holding something behind his back.

My jaw dropped, as my eyes closed and opened again in disbelief.

_"It's me Bells", he laughed._

He came and sat down next to me, as he put whatever he was holding behind the couch.

_"Sorry it took me so long to find you", he said with a small smile._

My eyes were almost bugging out of my head; What was he doing here?

_"I found your chart, and took a trip out to Washington; Don't tell anyone that I peeked at your chart, it's kind of illegal for me to do that", he winked at me._

I slowly nodded, and he smiled again.

_"Thought ya'd never see me again, did ya?", he said amused._

_"So I'm pretty sure you don't remember anything that happened, so I came to talk to you, and give you something", he said._

_"Well when we were putting you in the van to take you to the airport, you started to freak out and Ms Lillian took another needle and gave you a large dose of sedative.  
She started to say some mean things to you and you spit on her, and she came at you. She was taken back inside by some of the nurses, her and Mr. Jade were fired for Mal Practice", he said as he smiled at me._

I couldn't believe I spit on her, score one for Bella!

I smiled back at him, serves them right.  
_  
"Well Ms Elsie rode with you to the airport, you were flown on a private jet we have at the Clinic, and she rode all the way here with you, kissed you on the head, and went back to Arizona. She knew you didn't like planes and she didn't feel right letting you go by yourself. You were out of it for days, they had to carry you onto the jet. I stayed back to get something for you, and well that's why I'm here now", he said_.

He pulled a black item from behind the couch and handed it to me.

My eyes bugged out of my head, as I stared at it.

It was my backpack! How did he get it?

_"I know Ms. Lillian said she threw it out, but I dug in the dumpster for it, and after about two hours, I found it", he said proud of himself._

I was so busy staring at my backpack and Jude, that I didn't realize someone was standing where Edward was sitting across from me, staring at me.

_"Emmett, what are you doing?" Doctor Cullen asked._

I looked up to meet those familiar eyes.

Emmett, who the fuck was Emmett?

He went to go say something but kept stuttering.  
_  
"Bella? What's wrong?", Jude asked looking at me._

_"Bella?", the boy they called Emmett said as if he kept repeating it.  
_  
Who the fuck was Emmett?  
**_  
"Dale?", was all I could say._**


	8. Pain

* * *

**Chapter Eight: Pain.  
**

* * *

Emmett moved closer to me, and I took one step back.

He moved closer to me again, and I took another step back.

He moved closer again and as I went to move backwards, I heard him say,_"Stop!_" and before I knew what was happening I was falling over the couch backwards.

Dr. Cullen came rushing to my side, as did everyone else but Edward.  
_  
"Emmett, do you know this young lady?" Dr. Cullen asked._  
_  
"Yeah, sort of", he said._

_"Sort of?", Doctor Cullen asked._

Emmett looked away, and I didn't bother answering._  
_  
After Doctor Cullen examined the back of my head and said _"I was fine"_, he sat me on the couch.

I couldn't understand why he lied to me about his name; I was furious.

_"Can I have a minute with her?", Emmett asked._

Jude looked at me to make sure it was okay, as did Doctor Cullen.

I nodded my head yes in response.

After everyone went back to Edward and Jude went to sit on another couch, Emmett sat down next to me.

_"Look I didn't lie to you about my name", he started._

I rolled my eyes to show my boredom at yet another lie.

_"My name is Emmett Dale McCarty Cullen, we go by our middle name's on the baseball team, and my family still calls me Emmett", he said trying to explain himself._

I felt kind of foolish for jumping the gun, but it really wasn't my fault.

It wouldn't be the first time Emmett did something to wrong me.  
_  
"Look I want to explain what happened at the park, but right now isn't the time or place. I need to get back to visiting my brother. Maybe I'll see you soon?", he asked, as if I wouldn't be here when he came back ass._

_"Maybe", was all I said._

He gave me a small smile and went back to Edward.

Jude came and sat back down next to me.

_"Well this has been an exciting day, hasn't it?", he said giving my arm a nudge._

I laughed a little bit and rolled my eyes.

_"Well I need to get back to Arizona, my plane leaves in an hour. Do you think it would be alright if I came to see you again?", he asked._

I shook my head yes, and he handed me back my backpack and stood up and left.

I sat there clutching my backpack, I wanted to scream, and I wanted to cry.

I didn't think I would ever see it again.

_"Sorry I'm late!", I heard a small voice announce._

I looked up to see the tiniest thing standing in front of me.  
_  
"Alice", Dr Cullen said._

_"There was so much traffic!", she gushed with too much excitement._

Emmett laughed, as did Dr. Cullen, Edward just stared at the wall.

Alice danced her way over towards Edward and plopped down on his lap.

_"I miss you", she said enveloping him into a tight embrace that I didn't think her little body was capable off._

_"Nice to see you too Alice", Edward said._

So the mute does talk? He's just as bad as me, but I could easily see no one could resist this force of nature, that they called Alice.

As if she heard me somehow she looked up in my direction and smiled at me.  
_  
"Hi! I'm Alice", she said coming to sit next to me._

_"Alice! You can't just go bothering people!", Emmett said rather embarrassed of this pixie like creature._

Like he had room to talk, he was just as friendly.  
_  
"No one asked you", she spat back as a smile reappeared on her face._

_"Boys!", she said as she let out a huff, "can't live with them, can't live without them"._

_"Alice! Get back here! Leave Bella alone!", Emmett barked._

_"Fine! I'm coming!", she said as she huffed back over to where her family was standing._

I heard Emmett mutter something along the lines of "_Stupid annoying pixie"_, and then ***Smack***.

I looked up to see Emmett cupping his jaw.

_"You will watch your mouth", Alice said as she put her hand back down to her side._

_"You didn't have to slap me!", he said._

_"You didn't have to call me names either", she argued back._

Oh, she definitely was an unstoppable force of nature.

I got up to take my backpack to my room, and I heard Alice call after me_,"See ya later Bella!"_

I laid in bed that day and wondered how Edward had such a nice family, and wound up in this shit hole.

I wondered how one tiny person could hold so much energy, and happiness inside of them.

That definitely was not me, and it never would be.

No, no I would never be like Alice.

I looked outside the window in my room, and it was pouring.

Great, fits my mood perfectly.

I got out of bed and showered, and then headed towards the living room.

I hadn't seen Jessica or Lauren and I was more then happy for that.

Of course happiness is fleeting, because as I went to sit in the living room, they're they were.

I decided to head back towards my room, and lay in bed instead.

I turned my light off, and laid under the covers.

I started to doze off, and feel into a dream like state.

I saw red, I heard screaming, and crying, I heard a door slam and I jolted out of my bed.

It was dark outside now, I guess I had slept the day away.

I heard the crying still, and looked around my room.

It was pitch black, but the crying was getting louder.

I started to shake, because the crying was coming from my room.

Was I still sleeping? I pinched myself to make sure I was awake.

Ouch, I thought to myself.

No I was definitely still awake.

I got out of my bed and headed towards the light, on my way there I hit into the wall.

Except it wasn't the wall, and the crying got louder.

_"Hello?', was what I choked out._

I felt for the person in front of me, and had my hand tangled up in someone's messy hair.

They seemed shocked at this, but the crying didn't stop.

_"Are you okay?', I asked quietly._

They didn't say anything, they just continued to cry.

I didn't know what to do, I couldn't handle emotional things, especially things like this.

I sat down on the floor in front of this person, and let them get what they needed out of their system.

I felt their body shaking, as the tears kept coming.

I wanted to get up and get a nurse, because I didn't get paid for this kind of shit.

Hell I couldn't even deal with myself.

I started to get up, but felt them pull me back down.

_"Don't", he barely whispered._

I heard some racket outside of my door, and knew instantly who the annoying voices belonged too.  
_  
"Where did he go? All I did was ask a simple question?", Lauren said snidely._

The person started to cry more, and I reached up and covered their mouth to keep the tears silent.

_"Well we can't really report him missing, were already in enough trouble", Jessica stated._

_"Whatever someone's got some mommy and daddy issue's", Lauren retorted._

_"Did you really think Edward was going to be different from the rest of the loonies here?", Jessica asked._

I heard Lauren let out a giggle as her and Jessica made their way back to their room.

So Edward was sitting in front of me, crying over whatever they said.

Oh they would fucking pay, and they would pay soon.

I moved my hand from his mouth and sat back down.

_"Don't worry about Tweedle Dee, and Tweedle Dumber, they're fucking heartless sluts", I said trying to calm him down._

I know that him hearing what they said only upset him more.

I went to put my hand on his knee, but felt numb inside.

What could they have possibly said that made him so upset?

I went to move my hand again, but this time was pulled into him.

Edward held onto me for dear life, as he sobbed in my shirt.

_"You can't let them get to you like this. They get off to people's pain", I said as I tried to sooth him._

_"It's okay, they're gone", I said as I slowly moved my hand to caress his back._

_"You're safe here", I cooed._

He cried for hours, as he finally put his head into my lap and fell asleep.

I got up slowly and pulled my robe from my chair and put it under his head.

I opened the door slowly to see that no one was around.

I walked next door to Edwards room, and opened his door.

I tip toed back to my room, and slowly but surely picked Edward up.

I was a small girl, but when it came to strength, I had a lot of it.

I put his arm's around my shoulder and quietly dragged him back to his room.

I slowly laid him, into his bed, and took his shoes off.

I put the covers over his shaking body, and went to turn the light off, when I heard Edward mumble, _" I love you mom"._

There was definitely more to Edwards story then meets the eye.

As I sat up in bed, I wondered what those bitches could have said that upset him so much.

Then I thought about Jasper and Mike too.

They're pain was so very much alive, and dictated every move they made in life.

I was surrounded by they're pain.

On my left was Edward, directly across from me was Mike, and then to Mikes left was Jasper.

I was in the middle of it all, and for some reason that was okay with me.

I was as fucked up as them, if not more.

Funny how the most fucked up people got bunched up into a corner in the Ward.

I wonder if that was intentional or not?

Like _"Hey Sally, make sure you put the crazy's in the corner closest to the Nurse's station", or some shit._

**We were four fucked up people, and I wondered as I drifted off to sleep, if any of us would ever make it out okay.**


	9. Into the Ocean

* * *

**Chapter Nine: Into the ocean  
**

* * *

I didn't see Edward for days after that.

I wondered if he was okay, but my mental stability kept me from asking or trying to figure anything out.

I moped around the ward for weeks, stuck in the same dreary habits of everyday which was; nothing.

I did nothing and I talked to no one.

Hearing, and seeing Edward so upset about his mother, brought up feelings I never felt anymore.

I hated Edward so much for that, for coming in here and messing up my routine of nothingness.

Now because of him and his damn emotions, I would pay for helping him.

Thoughts slurred through my head, as pain tore through my heart.

I couldn't necessarily blame Edward entirely, but until he got here these images had never made there way through my brain.

Now that he was here, they wouldn't go away; I tried banging my head off of the wall, that didn't help.

I tried to cry, but the tears never came.

I tried to think of anything and everything other then what I had been thinking about, but nothing would come to mind except the things I didn't want to think about.

What else could I do?

It had been raining for two weeks straight now, and we hadn't been on a field trip since before Mike breaking down in therapy.

I had hardly seen Jasper or Mike either for that matter; everyone couldn't be ignoring me, I hadn't done anything wrong.

I wondered if little by little we were all falling completely apart?

Had Edward's arrival been completely hazardous to everyone's mental health?

Did Edward feel this way at home?

Is that why he was here?

I wondered what guilt Edward held inside, if any, and what caused his outburst the other night?

I laid straight out in bed and let the pain numb my insides out.

All I wanted to do was cry, as the pain burned its way in and out of my body.

I wanted to mourn for the loss of the life I would never have.

I let the images and thoughts make their way through my head.

There was no point in fighting it off anymore, my body was too weak.

I saw her smile, as the pain tore through my heart, leaving it in tattered pieces across the walls.

That beautiful smile that I hadn't seen in such a long time, I hadn't seen that smile since years before she died.

I thought of proms, that never happened, and birthdays spent alone year after year.

I thought of her beautiful smile, and tried to place it with a false memory of a prom I never went too.

I let this delusion take over for a while, as the pain turned to burning.

I thought of all the pictures that should have been taken, and the dress shopping that should have happened.

I thought of us going to get our nails done together, and her fussing over how my hair should be done.

I thought of her holding onto me tightly, telling me how beautiful I looked as tears filled her eyes, because isn't that what you do at prom?

You cry because the people we love are grown up, and we've watched them grow into this beautiful person.

I never grew up, and I never turned into that beautiful person, and she never cried because she loved me.

I thought of all of the times when I was younger and she actually tried to love me, and she would envelope me into her warm arms, and hold onto me for dear life.

All the times she would lay my head in her lap and smooth my hair out to calm me down.

I thought about all the times I cried for her to hold me, and love me, but she couldn't.

I thought of all the talks we never had, and the advice she had never given me.

I thought about all the important talks one is suppose to have with her mother, that I never got to have.

How my mother should have told me, I deserved to be loved.

How she should have taught me about relationships, sex, and respect.

I thought about how if I ever had kids, they would never have grandparents.

I would have no one to call in the wee hours of the nights, because I was scared shitless to be a new mom, and I didn't want to do anything wrong.

How I could never tell my children or my husband the truth.

I thought about how I'd never get to have a family of my own, to prove that I was capable of loving someone else.

To prove to myself that I could love somebody else.

I thought about reality, and how in reality no one would ever love me through the pain.

I thought about if any one could ever stay with me out of pure pity, how I would never be able to return the love.

There would never be any one to hold onto me through the long nights of endless tears, and thoughts of ending it all.

I was an empty shell of a girl that never knew anything else; I was numb, I was in an immense amount of pain and longing, I was insane, I was alone.

I was utterly alone.

Alone.

_Alone in an ocean of pain._

I thought about all the nights I spent curled up into a ball in the bath tub, or under my bed hiding.

As I let the blood slip down into the tub to wash away any evidence.

All the times I would hurt myself to show them they didn't have to hurt me anymore.

I thought about all the times I begged them to stop; to please just stop.

I thought about all the times I curled up into myself and held onto myself, until the pain wore off, until the bruises faded; until the words they repeated to me disappeared.

All the times I would beg them to get help, to stop hurting me.

I thought about how none of that ever mattered, and neither did I.

I thought of the plague my life had been since birth, and the plague it still seemed to be to this day.

I couldn't make my mother love me, and I couldn't stop her from hurting me; more importantly to stop hurting themselves.

I couldn't make anyone love me; I couldn't make anyone stay.

Lets just face the facts here, I deserved the horrible life I was given; now I just had to live with it.

I didn't deserve to be loved anyway.

**I am Isabella Swan, and I don't want to live like this anymore.**

If living is what you'd call it.  



	10. Long December

* * *

**Chapter Ten: Long December.  


* * *

**

Everyone in life thinks they know who they are, what they want, or where their going.

Are we ever really right, or do we just lie to ourselves to satiate the hunger inside?

The hunger to be normal, to be real, to be loved, and most importantly to feel alive.

Do we ever really feel alive or do we just deceive ourselves into thinking we do?

It had been five months since I said a word to any one or anything.

The sun had disappeared for good, as winter trudged on through.

It fit my mood perfect, gray skies, dark nights.

I stared aimlessly at the wall for hours trying my hardest to will it to collapse on top of me.

I was a walking zombie, I paid attention to no one, and no one tried to talk to me except one person.

Edward was like a puppy dog, anywhere and everywhere I went he was sure to be close behind.

Today was no different, as I sat on the couch closest to the dark corner staring into space, thinking about nothing.

No one was paying attention to me, and I rather enjoyed it that way, so when Edward crept on me I was sure it went unnoticed by any one else.

He had been doing this for months now, and I always ignored him and stared straight at the wall.

_"Can you believe Christmas is almost here?",he said in mock enthusiasm._

My eyes were trying to burn holes into the wall.

_"You know what I miss the most about them?", he said in a whisper.  
_  
I continued to stare at the wall, he usually started whatever he was going to say by sending a little piece of his soul my way.  
_  
"I miss him playing ball with me and teaching me things only a man could teach a boy, and I miss her sitting on my bed at night while I laid there and listened to her talk about her day", he said to nobody._

I didn't listen, I couldn't; didn't he understand that I was already unraveling at the seems, at an alarming pace and the more he did this, the faster I came undone.

_"She had this long beautiful brown hair that went all the way past her shoulder blades, and hung in loose curls, ya know?", he said._

_"She use to hug me all the time, and tell me she loved me every chance she had. As if telling me once a day wasnt enough, she just wanted to make sure I always knew she loved me", he said quietly._

_"I know I was too old for it, but she use to sneak me notes into my lunch bag, and hide it in the middle of my napkin; it was like our little secret, and I didn't care if I was 14 reading love notes from my mother, I didn't want them from any one but her", he said as a tear slid down his cheek._

My heart was burning at his words, why couldn't he stop?

I turned to him for the first time in months, my eyes were pleading as I stared into his.

I think this egged him on, I don't think he understood the hint.

_"She loved to bake; Oh God! How she loved to bake!", he said," There were always cookies ready or cakes to nibble on"._

_"She used to hum and dance around the kitchen while she baked or cooked, and she pretended it annoyed her when we tested the thing she was making, though we secretly knew she loved us sneaking in the kitchen with her", he said._

_"Stop", I barely squeaked._

I guess he didn't hear me, I guess he thought I was telling him to go on.

_"Oh God, how my parents loved each other, it was written all over their faces, it was present in the way they walked and talked", he said._

_"Please stop", I said again._

_"I don't think it was fair how much my parents loved me, I think thats why I miss them so much; I wasn't spoiled but they always made sure I knew how much they loved me", he said as more tears slid down his cheeks._

_"Please stop", I finally spoke up a little bit more, but he couldn't hear me over his silent sobs._

_"Do you miss your parents Isabella?", He said finally looking at me._

I couldn't answer, I couldn't even breath.

_"What was she like? I bet she was beautiful", he said with a small smile._

_"Please stop Edward, Please", I sobbed more loudly though no one but Edward could hear._

_"It's okay to miss them Isabella, it's okay to be sad and it's okay to remember them and cry", he said as he inched closer._

_"You have to stop", I said growing more alarmed and moving farther away._

He was mistaking my tears for a silent truce between us, but my tears were not tears of bitter sweet remembrance; they were tears of pain.

_"We can remember the happy times with our parents together, you don't have to do this a lone", he said in small whisper.  
_

It happened the minute his skin touched my skin, and those last few words left his mouth, _"You don't have to do this a lone"._

**_.FLASH._**

**_I crawled into the corner to hide as I heard the shouts getting louder._**

_"Where the fuck are you Isabella?", I heard my mother slur her words._

_**My mother only called me Isabella when she was beating on me and putting me down.**_

_"Where are my pills at Isabella?", I heard her screaming as she tore through the kitchen throwing the remains of the garbage around on the kitchen floor._

_**I clutched the almost empty bottle in my hand, as I tried to disappear into the wall.**_

_**I had been in the process of flushing the pills when I heard my mother and Phil in the room down the hall, searching for it.**_

_**I made a run for it down the stairs and tried to think of where to hide.**_

_**This was the fifth time this week I flushed her medicine down the toilet, or poured the bottle of liquor down the drain.  
**  
"Who the fuck does she think she is, stealing our stuff, the little fucking brat?", I heard Phil screaming from upstairs as he searched the bathroom trash.  
**  
I was hiding behind the couch in the living room, trying my hardest not to breath or even blink.**_

_**I heard my mom opening the back door and heading to check the trash out back.**_

_**I knew it was now or never, and I slowly and quietly got up and peeked my head over the sofa.**_

_**Coast was clear, but as I went to get up and leave, I dropped the nearly empty medicine bottle behind the sofa.**_

_**I bent over to pick it up, and discard the evidence but dropped to my knee's in pain as a belt met the bare of my back.**_

_"She's in here Renee! The little Bitch is in here!", he said again, as he dealt me another blow to my back._

_**I started to try and crawl to the other end of the couch, but found myself face to face with my mother.**_

_"Were you going somewhere my darling?", she said with a cold snarl._

_"Please stop", was all I could say._

_"It's killing you mom, please stop", I cried._

_"Please stop mom, it's killing you", I heard Phil mimic me._

_"Yes, please stop, its killing you", I heard my mothers cold laughter.  
**  
She grabbed my by hair and pulled me out from behind the couch, as the bottle rolled from my hand.**_

_"There!", I heard Phil shout as he ran towards the bottle._

_**My mom turned to follow him, of course there would be an argument over who got the most pills.**_

_**While they were chasing the spinning medicine bottle into the kitchen I made a run for it into my room and hid in my closet.**_

_**I heard them shouting at the top of their lungs at each other.**_

_**I heard my mom start punching Phil and him trying to push her away until he finally got tired of it and hit her back.**_

_**She would curse in pain as his fist met her face, but would only return the favor.**_

_**My mom may have been small, but she could take pain, and was the one usually beating up on Phil.**_

_"Get the fuck out of my house, leave!", I heard Renee screaming at Phil._

_"You don't have to ask me fucking twice! I ain't fucking coming back once I leave either! You better get a fucking cage for that little bitch upstairs! Fuck you cunt, I hate you, Im gone!", Phil screamed in her face._

_"OH no you don't! You can have the house and her! I m not fucking staying here with her or you! You're both fucking dead to me! You fat fucking loser! Who the fuck would ever want you! You're a horrible lay!", my mom screamed back at him._

_**Phil stormed out first, and I heard the car speeding off.**_

_**I heard my mother sobbing in the next room as she packed her stuff to leave.**_

_**I crawled out of the closet, and inched closer to my bedroom door, as I heard her walking past.**_

_**I walked out slowly and called out to her,"**Please don't leave me mommy, we can get you help, it doesn't have to be this way", I sobbed hysterically._

_**She started to cry uncontrollably as she stared at me, and I moved closer to comfort her.  
**  
"We can do this together mommy, you don't have to do this a lone", I said inching closer to her on the carpet.  
**  
She was shaking as waves of nausea took over her body in tidal waves.**_

_"Don't let Phil bring you down, we can do this together", I said as I leaned in to hug her._

_**She turned on a dime as she slapped me across the face.**_

_"Shut the fuck up! Shut the fuck up bitch!", she screamed at me._

_"I don't fucking love you! Get the fuck away from me! I hate you, don't you get it?", she said as she gathered her things and not even two minutes later I heard her peeling out of her parking spot._

_**I was left a lone curled up in my closet in the dark, hiding from the monsters inside my house as blood trickled down my face, and my back burned from the skin that the belt removed.**_

_**.Flash over.**_

_"No!", I screamed, over and over again._

My backside hurt as did my face, as if it happened yesterday.

I couldn't get out of it, I was stuck inside the vision of my closet, crying my eyes out.

I felt Edward trying to move closer to me, but Noah screamed for every one to back up.

_"It hurts!", I screamed, "It hurts!"_

My back felt like it was on fire, and as everyone tried to move me away, but the fire was a blaze on my back.

_"You're hurting her!", Edward yelled, "Stop whatever your doing, is hurting her!", he was pleading._

If only he knew that the slightest touch from him set my skin on fire, that the heart ache he felt for missing his loving parents, was nothing I felt to the pain of never being loved.

The pain shooting through my body was unbearable and I started to convulse, my head smacked off the ground once, twice, three times and all I saw was black.

I tried to blink away the darkness, because the darkness reminded me I was a lone.

I heard people gasping, and someone panicking, _"Stop her from moving, there's blood everywhere"._

I felt hands touch my head, and the darkness tried to take me back to the past, and then I heard Noah yell, _"Edward back up"._

Noah whispered a warning into my ear, and not even two seconds later the needle was shooting liquid sleep through my veins.

I opened my eyes to see if I could see, and finally I saw Edward in the background smashing bloody fists into his hair as he was watching my limp body being moved, as Jasper was pulling him away.

I felt Noah carrying me away, but a second later I felt my head slam against the ground.

I couldn't feel the pain this time, because the needle was numbing me, but I heard someone yell, _"He slipped on the blood, someone grab a mop, we need help, NOW"._

All of the sudden someone tried to move me again, and the pain shot through my head finally.

**"Goodbye cruel world", was the phrase that swept through my head before I blacked out for good.  
**


	11. A letter from the writer

I know I haven't posted in a long time and most people probably gave up.

The last couple of years have been rough for me, and I finally have my feet back on the ground.

I am so sorry I couldn't get to a computer to convey this.

I am going to be picking back up where I left off and hope that my readers will forgive me and read again.


	12. A dream upon waking

**Chapter 11: A dream upon waking.  
**

* * *

Do you remember Mike TeeVee, from "Charlie and the chocolate factory"?

Do you remember how he was sucked into the static, and the white abyss of nothingness?

Do you remember that?

I do, I do remember it all too clearly.

I remember it, because I am living through it.

I keep trying to open my eyes, and keep trying to scream for help, but no one answers.

I hear Edward, and I hear Jasper, but I cannot see them, and they cannot hear me.

I remember Edward reaching his hand to console me; I remember the way it felt when his hand touched my skin.

I hear Edward, I hear his crying, and his pleading, but I do not know why this stranger is here grieving for me.

I hear Edward, and Jasper talking to each other.

I am glad they at least have that.

_"Has anything changed since I left?", I hear Jasper ask._

I know Edward doesn't say anything but I can tell he doesn't need to.

Jasper sighs and sits down next to me.

The silence is getting to be unbearable, and all I want to do is force my body to get up and leave.

I know I have been here for awhile, because I can hear Jasper and Edward when they talk.

I wonder if they would say the things they say if they knew I could hear.

I hear Jasper sigh again, and then clear his throat.

_"You know, you're not the only one who couldn't prevent Bella from being hurt?", I hear Jasper ask Edward._

Edward doesn't say anything, and I hear chairs being moved around.

_"Want to hear something pathetic?", Jasper asks again._

Edward still doesn't talk, but Jasper isn't the giving up kind.

_"I left home right out of high school, I could have gone to any college I wanted but I left everything I ever knew to defend what I believed in most", Jasper continues.  
_

_"Which is freedom. Freedom to speak, freedom to pray, freedom to believe in any religion you like, and most of all freedom to not speak if that is what your prefer", he says, and I could tell there was a bit of a joke in the last part._

Nobody says anything for awhile, and I just want to scream.

All of sudden I hear a chuckle, and then another laugh, and I realize that they are both laughing.

_"Freedom to not speak, ay?", Edward asks Jasper.  
_

_"Freedom to do as you please", Jasper says with a laugh._

_"What happened then?", Edward asks.  
_

Jasper doesn't say anything for a minute or so, but I can hear his breathing.

_"It's like every other story you have ever heard", Jasper shrugged._

_ "I went in thinking I was doing the right thing for the people I loved", Jasper said sadly. _

_"Where we were stationed, there was a town next door. I remember thinking "this isn't right". We shouldn't be this close to innocent people", he said. _

_"They started to bomb us and we had no choice to fight back. I remember seeing woman and children running for their lives. I remember watching their own people not caring if they were in the way. They were gunned down, and blown up right in front of me. I felt sick to my stomach, I threw up", he went on._

_"I remember this little girl running towards me, I wanted to protect her. I wanted to get to her before anyone else. I was running towards her so fast, I was almost there. I remember the look she gave me. She was pleading for me to help her. I could only think of my little sister. If she was in the same position as this little girl, would anyone stop to help her. I felt like the faster I ran, the further away she seemed to get. All of a sudden I was covered in her blood, and for lack of better word, guts. Her own people shot at her. I remember men on my own team taking woman hostage, and doing things to them, you couldn't dream of", he said weakly._

_"I was taken hostage by the other side. They cut me up, and shot me. I was lucky though. Just as they were going in for the kill, my team rescued me and I was sent home and in critical condition. I didn't sign up for any of that. I just wanted to do the "American thing". I woke up late at night with night terrors, dripping in my own sweat, and screaming. It was scaring my little sister. I decided it was time to try and get help", Jasper finished._

_"I am so sorry", was all Edward could say back.  
_

_"It's not your fault", Jasper replied.  
_

I hear the door to my room opening and hear Jasper and Edward moving to get up.

_"I think we need to let Bella get some rest", a woman nurse, I have never met before says._

_"Isn't that all she's been doing?", I hear Edward whisper under his breath.  
_

_"How long will you keep her under?", Jasper asked the nurse.  
_

_"That information is not my business to tell", the nurse said coldly.  
_

I feel the nurse injecting some sort of medicine into my veins, and just wish I could ask her what is going on.

I start to feel groggy and realize whatever she has given me is making me sleepy even inside my mind.

**Before I know it, it is lights out for me, and I am asleep.**


End file.
